I remember when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I couldn't keep the excitement in. The first time I felt him move inside of me, I felt like I was a Goddess. I decided to have a homebirth because I felt that home was where I was gonna feel safest. David I interviewed a couple of midwives and we both felt comfortable with Marie. She was down to earth, very experienced and a real straight shooter. She also had worked in hospital maternity wards for many years, so I knew she had a well rounded perspective and wasn't a radical. She was very sensible, 4 kids of her own and a wonderful husband. I had a dream pregnancy. That should've been my first warning sign LOL. Exactly 7 days past my due date (Which by the way was 09/09/1999- How good will that date of been for a birthday), my waters broke at 5 o'clock in the morning. I checked with Marie and she told me to just relax and pretend like nothing was happening. We had a birth pool ready so later on in the morning, when contractions had become regular and about 5 mins apart, I asked my husband Dave and our friend Gary ( who was living with us at that time) to fill up the Birth pool. I got in the pool and within a short time contractions stopped, so I asked Dave and Gary to empty the birth pool. This carried on for most of the day- Contractions started" Fill up the Birth pool". Contractions stopped " Empty the birth pool". Contractions started" Fill up the Birth pool". Contractions stopped " Empty the birth pool" . I had my Mum , my sister and my sister's partner all come down to be with me. I have to tell you, the contractions did not feel like pain to me. They felt like my body doing this mighty mighty work, to help bring my baby out. When I was in the birth pool the first time, and I was feeling the contractions building in intensity, I had almost like a hallucination of a timeline of women, through the ages, going through exactly what I was going through. I felt such a strong connection to all those women who had gone before me. It was such a powerful feeling and such an emotional feeling. Long story short, I never established in strong continuous labour. When the Midwife came, she told me that the baby was breech and after a period of time to accept the idea that I was not going to have a homebirth ( which was devastating to me), we went to the hospital. They were not very nice. Back 21 years ago, they were not very accepting of people who wanted a homebirth. Now the hospitals are much more open minded and even supportive of Independant Midwives and homebirths. When we got into Labour ward, the doctor basically suggested that I was irresponsible and that my baby could've died. It was so insulting not just to me as a midwife, but especially to Marie, who was such an incredibly professional and experienced Midwife, probably more experienced than that doctor. Anyway, I ended up having an Emergency C-Section under general anaesthetic. Tarl was taken to the NICU and Dave nearly punched the Doctor, Gary had to hold him back. My mum was there in recovery when I woke up from the anaesthetic, Everyone saw my baby before me. When I was wheeled back to the ward, none of the nurses would take me to the Nursery because they were all too busy. Nowadays that would never happen. Mummas who have has a C-Section, get wheeled in their bed to the NICU and get to see and touch their baby before any other relative, except the Dad. I ended up going up to see him for the first time on a commode chair because they didn't have any wheelchairs available. The next time I went up to see him, walked by myself, without letting anyone know that I was going.
Despite all that, I would do it all again if I had to. It was worth everything to have my son Tarl. When I saw him in the humidcrib for the first time, I fell completely head over heels in love with him and that hasn't changed in 21years. I put my hand on him, through the door of the crib and told him I would protect him and love him for the rest of my life. A door in my heart opened to a love so HUGE, so intense, sometimes overwhelming it's that big. As soon as they would let me, I held him, I breast fed him and I changed him out of that boring white hospital gown into a tiedyed bonds onesy. Within 3 days he and I were out of the hospital and home, to start our new life as a little family. I did have some debriefing and counselling after the traumatic birth experience. I had to grieve the loss of my expectation for a perfect, natural, homebirth. But I was able to get perspective, every time I looked into his perfect little face and realised how lucky I was, that he was safe and I was safe and it all worked out in the end.